Greatest Cop Ever!

Congratulations newly minted cop!

Now that you’ve decided to waste your life eating donuts and keeping the town “safe” you need to know the tricks of the trade. The citizens will rely on you as much as an Amish relies on Facebook.

Any “good” cop would tell you keeping the citizens safe is the most important thing. Let me break it down to show you how stupid he his. First the citizens can solve their own problems we live in a town of 3,000 in the middle of Illinois, there are NO threats here (now if it was in Mexico, well that`s a whole nother story). Second he used the word thing. Thing is the dumbest word he could have said. So now you don’t have to listen to that idiot you can get my 18 volume How To Be The Greatest Cop Ever book set. Let`s get to 5 basic of How To Be The Greatest Cop Ever.


1. When confronted with a threat pull your gun out first. Most cops will tell you to not use violence but if your guy is enough of a jerk to break the law then he ain’t afraid of a gun or taser. Aim ONLY at the groin regardless if it`s a guy or a gal. Every guy I know would give his best friend up if it meant he kept that “area” safe and protected.


2. Speeding duty. Make sure when you’re on speeding duty (he he duty) you find the most secluded spot and crack down. If the limit`s 75 and someone is at 75 give them a ticket. You can simply claim they were at 75.01 miles per hour, hey it worked for me. Then if you find a speeder and they don`t stop roll down the window and shoot at them until they stop, also shoot to kill.


3. Illegal business. There are a lot of druggies out there make sure you know at least one of them. Then after you know them get illegal substances from them and implant them in another cop’s car. Two days later arrest them, it makes an amazing prank. Also to keep you job arrest the druggie.


4. Hostage situations. If a hostage situation ever happens bad mouth the guy if shoots one it`s okay he has many. Make sure you leave the station with gas and a lighter, Why? You may ask well you’re gonna burn the entire structure to the ground. Never negotiate he’s a terrorist not a human!


5. If you have a problem just shoot it. Can`t fix the microwave? Good news you’re a cop with a gun and bullets just shoot it. Why else would they give you bullets? Last week I couldn`t level up my dragon on World of Warcraft so I shot my computer and suddenly he became a level 27. Trucker pulling out in front of you? Just fire as much ammo as you have at him (hint:aim for gas tank).


6. Hanging with the guys. If you and your cop buddies ever go for around then remember to say the most inappropriate jokes you can think of. Make sure you also have some about all of the other cops not with you they’re noobs. Jokes that could get you in trouble with the law are always okay.

7. Largest profile. As a cop most don’t have criminal records or a large criminal file but you need to. Now you won’t have to do much for this if you follow step 8. If you ever get tried for something just use a bribe, this worked for OJ Simpson. If the guy suing you or whatever finds about the bribe shoot him.


8.Have the most charges in the country. The most important step in becoming a legendary cop is to have the most charges in the state at any given time. If someone has more than find them and “take care” of them. Also if you’re still behind on charges next crime that happens take out all bystanders and witnesses (this also works if you are only head by less that 25).  You’ll be a legend, I guarantee it!

Sit back and enjoy a donut or two and buy my 18 volume How To Be The Greatest Cop Ever book series.


I wrote this last year for an English project and didn’t get in trouble at a public school. Originally I did though have kills in place of charges and jagbag (one of my dad’s favorite words) instead of jerk. But I hope this made your day a little more bearable. Thanks!