Greatest Cop Ever!

Congratulations newly minted cop!

Now that you’ve decided to waste your life eating donuts and keeping the town “safe” you need to know the tricks of the trade. The citizens will rely on you as much as an Amish relies on Facebook.

Any “good” cop would tell you keeping the citizens safe is the most important thing. Let me break it down to show you how stupid he his. First the citizens can solve their own problems we live in a town of 3,000 in the middle of Illinois, there are NO threats here (now if it was in Mexico, well that`s a whole nother story). Second he used the word thing. Thing is the dumbest word he could have said. So now you don’t have to listen to that idiot you can get my 18 volume How To Be The Greatest Cop Ever book set. Let`s get to 5 basic of How To Be The Greatest Cop Ever.


1. When confronted with a threat pull your gun out first. Most cops will tell you to not use violence but if your guy is enough of a jerk to break the law then he ain’t afraid of a gun or taser. Aim ONLY at the groin regardless if it`s a guy or a gal. Every guy I know would give his best friend up if it meant he kept that “area” safe and protected.


2. Speeding duty. Make sure when you’re on speeding duty (he he duty) you find the most secluded spot and crack down. If the limit`s 75 and someone is at 75 give them a ticket. You can simply claim they were at 75.01 miles per hour, hey it worked for me. Then if you find a speeder and they don`t stop roll down the window and shoot at them until they stop, also shoot to kill.


3. Illegal business. There are a lot of druggies out there make sure you know at least one of them. Then after you know them get illegal substances from them and implant them in another cop’s car. Two days later arrest them, it makes an amazing prank. Also to keep you job arrest the druggie.


4. Hostage situations. If a hostage situation ever happens bad mouth the guy if shoots one it`s okay he has many. Make sure you leave the station with gas and a lighter, Why? You may ask well you’re gonna burn the entire structure to the ground. Never negotiate he’s a terrorist not a human!


5. If you have a problem just shoot it. Can`t fix the microwave? Good news you’re a cop with a gun and bullets just shoot it. Why else would they give you bullets? Last week I couldn`t level up my dragon on World of Warcraft so I shot my computer and suddenly he became a level 27. Trucker pulling out in front of you? Just fire as much ammo as you have at him (hint:aim for gas tank).


6. Hanging with the guys. If you and your cop buddies ever go for around then remember to say the most inappropriate jokes you can think of. Make sure you also have some about all of the other cops not with you they’re noobs. Jokes that could get you in trouble with the law are always okay.

7. Largest profile. As a cop most don’t have criminal records or a large criminal file but you need to. Now you won’t have to do much for this if you follow step 8. If you ever get tried for something just use a bribe, this worked for OJ Simpson. If the guy suing you or whatever finds about the bribe shoot him.


8.Have the most charges in the country. The most important step in becoming a legendary cop is to have the most charges in the state at any given time. If someone has more than find them and “take care” of them. Also if you’re still behind on charges next crime that happens take out all bystanders and witnesses (this also works if you are only head by less that 25).  You’ll be a legend, I guarantee it!

Sit back and enjoy a donut or two and buy my 18 volume How To Be The Greatest Cop Ever book series.


I wrote this last year for an English project and didn’t get in trouble at a public school. Originally I did though have kills in place of charges and jagbag (one of my dad’s favorite words) instead of jerk. But I hope this made your day a little more bearable. Thanks!


Is our image of Jesus wrong?

No I before I get more hate mail than Westboro Baptist I am saying the physical image not his ideology or anything of that nature. I am NOT anti-Christian. This our just my thoughts and feelings. You have just had a disclaimer.

I realized this on the toilet after Forestry when the day before in World History we were discussing Zoroastrianism. We were given a picture of Zoroaster and asked who it was. I ruled out Jesus for reasons but subconsciously said “he’s too Middle-Eastern.” The Western world paints a picture of a caucasian Jesus with long hair and a goatee. But Jesus was born in the Middle-East. Wait, how the hell is he white when his mortal ancestral heritage is Middle-Eastern.  So are our churches giving us a historically incorrect image our the Messiah? Well yes unfortunately I think so. This got me thinking, what about other Bible characters? They also fall in the same category as Jesus. Think about it, what do you see when you hear Moses, Peter, Mary and Jonah? Caucasian. This is simply because of our Western oriented culture unfortunately. Those are just my thoughts and feelings as I’d love to know opinion on the matter of Jesus’ ethnicity and race so leave a comment, response article (send me link) or shoot me and email at Thanks!

Courage the Cowardly Dog-Part 1

In my opening article I’d like to give you part one of a trilogy over what is probably my all time favorite fiction, cartoon and maybe even show of all time. This article is all off my thoughts and feelings toward to, what in my mind, is a legendary show.

I don’t remember the first time I watched Courage the Cowardly Dog but it was around 2001 (I was born in 1999). My reaction was love at first sight but it didn’t sit too well with my mother as at first she tried to censor it from me but within a couple of months I was watching it regularly (looking back my mother somewhat regrets this). I watched Courage my entire childhood mostly through reruns as I doubt I watched new episodes at release. Courage has shaped me in many ways into what I am today.  I do believe (despite what my mother told me) the show did scare me once. As a child I had a fear of Egyptian mummies and I think that is from the episode that left minor emotional scars. King Rammus’ Curse. This is the only episode (I bet I’d seen them all by eight!) that I remember giving me the creeps. Also with the horror like aspect of the show I think is why I have such a high tolerance of creepy content. I think Courage also gave me a quirky look at life. I say this because most kids grew up watching Disney and Nickelodeon but I only watched Nick for Spongebob and only occasionally. I grew up on a butt load of Cartoon Network and Star Wars. In fact out of most of my class only me and a handful of my friends watched ONLY Cartoon Network. This makes me wonder about the childhoods of the people who founded CN compared to Disney and Nick. Shoot I’m getting off topic, that may be a story for a different time. Well I think I’ll end part one of my Courage the Cowardly Dog trilogy. Tune in for part two coming soon. And as always that’s for reading and have a nerdy day.